So, I'm having mixed feelings right now.
The reason? I'm going on vacation in May. To Orlando, FL.
Shouldn't be anything but happy feelings, right? You would think, anyway.
But Orlando is so.....personal, to me.
You see, I moved to Orlando when I was barely 21 years old. I left the security of my Mom's house in Louisiana and moved. Just like that.
No place to live when I got there, no money...nothing. Just Heth, me and a Budget Rental truck with all our stuff in it.
We found a place to live after a week or so...jobs were harder to come by. We struggled and sold EVERYTHING we own at Cash America Pawn and returned shit to WalMart just because we couldn't imagine going back. In November of the year we moved there, we were stopped at a red light and got rear ended by a guy that was going about 50mph. My brand new car? Totaled. We weren't hurt badly...but it was definitely an eye opening experience and I did SO many things wrong.
Within 2 weeks, we had nowhere to live because we couldn't pay rent and were evicted. We ended up going down to West Palm Beach to stay with some friends of ours until we left (in a rental car, no less) to go visit our families for Christmas. When I got to Louisiana, I got a new (used) car and we left around the second week of January to go back to Florida.
Heth's grandfather came down around that time to "visit" us and stayed for 2 weeks...so we had a hotel room to stay in for that time. After that? Homeless again. We spent most of our days trying to find jobs and most of our nights on I-Drive just wandering aimlessly. CityWalk was another favorite spot during that time because we could park for free and just walk around and enjoy the atmosphere.
Around Valentine's Day of that year, we had nothing better to do and went to an O-Town CD signing at the Wal-Mart on John Young Pkwy. That's when we fell in love with those 5 guys. :) I can remember us scrounging together what little bit of money we had to buy their CD so that we could listen to that (along with Black & Blue by Backstreet Boys which Heth had gotten for Christmas) while we were driving aimlessly around Orlando. In fact, the CD Black & Blue was listened to SO much that if I listen to it and close my eyes, I can imagine driving around by Universal Studios and see everything SO clearly.
During this time we literally had NO money. We occasionally would ask our parents to wire us $20...mainly for gas or a pack of cigarettes. We had ONE can of pringles to share...that ONE can lasted us three weeks. At night we would park the car in the WalMart parking lot and take turns napping. In the morning we'd be up and moving again...trying desperately to find a job. We were young and had no REAL job skills...so that wasn't easy. And honestly, finding a job was hard when you had nowhere to go home to at night.
We finally ended up gaining some stability by moving down to West Palm Beach and living with a friend for a year. That stability allowed us to be able to move back to Orlando and spend a WONDERFUL 2 years there with jobs and a stable (but broke) lifestyle. We ended up leaving there after there were 3 hurricanes in 6 weeks back in 2004 (!!!!). Neither of us have been back since then...and it's killed us both.
So I'm a little scared to go back to Orlando.
I don't know what memories it's going to bring back.
Or if it's still "MY" Orlando.
Part of me hopes it isn't...because if it isn't then I won't cling so desperately to such amazing memories.
And yes, they WERE amazing. Even homeless and broke, I had more fun there than I have anywhere else in my life. It was simple and I didn't need anything except my best friend, my car and my city.
I'm a little torn up right now. I don't know what to think or how to feel...
I guess I'll try to temper my expectations and hope that it IS the city I can remember so I can have a blast there...even if it's only for 6 days.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Memories...and not the warm and fuzzy kind.
I just found this in my old OLD journal. 2005 was such a bad year for me. This was what kicked it off and I felt like I should always remember how I felt THAT day.
A little background...my cousin, Mervin, was gay. He could never be openly gay until he went away to school at Texas A&M because of fear of what would happen to him in our small town. Though he never "came out" to any of us in the family, we all knew he was gay. It was just unspoken. It's funny. I think this is hitting me so hard right now because we've had two suicides in middle TN lately from bullying and it just grates on my nerves because in high school my cousin was bullied...and from reading his online journal right before he died, his "personal" relationships didn't go so well either. So sad. So desperately sad. God, I miss him. He was my big brother...and knowing he's now just a headstone at Carter Cemetery breaks my heart. He was so much more than that.
******************************************
FEBRUARY 7, 2005
Today has been...interesting, depressing, shocking...and I'm sure I could think of a million other words about it.
Sometimes in our lives...there's someone that may not be a sibling, but is close enough to be considered one. It's someone who is there for you and you hang out with on a daily basis. This person can be a friend...or even closer, a cousin. Life goes on and you each go on to do different things and life just gets in the way, in general. You always assume that there will be time later in life to catch up again. Time to sit around and reminisce about when you were kids and used to ride bikes together, play kickball, use your grandparents swing as a spaceship and watch tv together.
Sometimes you don't get that chance. Sometimes, through life's many twists and turns, you lose track of one another and you don't know what's going on with that person who is special to you and is close enough to be your brother. You think about them. You wish you could see them more often. You're PROUD of them for all they've accomplished. You wish you could be LIKE them...as smart and independent. Sometimes you just wish you had been there for them so that MAYBE tragedy wouldn't have had to claim them.
When someone close to you commits suicide, it's hard enough dealing with the emotional distress of losing them...much less dealing with the thoughts and concerns about what they must have been going through to bring them to it. All you can do is cry and wonder about what was so bad about life to make them do it. Then you cry some more. It's something I'll never understand...and I know that...I just wish I had known how much pain he was in. Maybe I could have helped...even if I was just a voice on the phone.
How does someone who is three months away from completing his DOCTORATE in BIOCHEMISTRY go from being so bright and vibrant to taking his own life in the chem lab of Texas A&M, the school he loved so much? Why does someone who is literally a genius just forgo a job offer in JAPAN to take his life in such a way? Why? I just want to know. I wish he were here. I wish I could hug him. I wish...and I pray. I pray for him. I pray for his parents and his sister. I pray for his niece and nephew. I pray for our family. I pray for understanding. I pray for God to forgive him. I just pray. With all my might, I pray.
As silly as it may seem, all I can see in my minds eye right now is all those times we played at my grandma's house and my house. I see us riding bikes around here. I see him as the person I wanted to be so badly.
I don't see him as the pathetic person that I know the detectives at Texas A&M see him as. I don't see him as he portrayed himself in the suicide note. I just see HIM.
God, please...help us all to understand and get through this with as much dignity and grace as possible.
Now, since I've made no sense...here's the story from the news in College Station, TX:
Aggie Grad Student Found Dead
Steve Fullhart
A Texas A&M graduate student was found dead Monday morning in the chemistry building.
The body of 27-year-old Mervin J. Bazile Jr. was found in one of the third-floor labs seated at a desk with a note on the table in front of him. University Police would only confirm the note appeared to be written by Bazile, but would not elaborate on the contents of the note.
Bazile's family has been notified, and his body has been sent to Conroe for an autopsy. Officials on the scene estimate the body could have been in the room since Sunday night.
UPD was there for four hours Monday morning examining the scene. No classes or schoolwork was disrupted as a result, and use of the building is back to normal as of early Monday afternoon. The facilities in which Bazile's body was found are used by graduate students, but weren't scheduled to be used until later in the day.
Bazile lived in Bryan and was originally from Louisiana. He was a graduate student in the chemistry department.
A little background...my cousin, Mervin, was gay. He could never be openly gay until he went away to school at Texas A&M because of fear of what would happen to him in our small town. Though he never "came out" to any of us in the family, we all knew he was gay. It was just unspoken. It's funny. I think this is hitting me so hard right now because we've had two suicides in middle TN lately from bullying and it just grates on my nerves because in high school my cousin was bullied...and from reading his online journal right before he died, his "personal" relationships didn't go so well either. So sad. So desperately sad. God, I miss him. He was my big brother...and knowing he's now just a headstone at Carter Cemetery breaks my heart. He was so much more than that.
******************************************
FEBRUARY 7, 2005
Today has been...interesting, depressing, shocking...and I'm sure I could think of a million other words about it.
Sometimes in our lives...there's someone that may not be a sibling, but is close enough to be considered one. It's someone who is there for you and you hang out with on a daily basis. This person can be a friend...or even closer, a cousin. Life goes on and you each go on to do different things and life just gets in the way, in general. You always assume that there will be time later in life to catch up again. Time to sit around and reminisce about when you were kids and used to ride bikes together, play kickball, use your grandparents swing as a spaceship and watch tv together.
Sometimes you don't get that chance. Sometimes, through life's many twists and turns, you lose track of one another and you don't know what's going on with that person who is special to you and is close enough to be your brother. You think about them. You wish you could see them more often. You're PROUD of them for all they've accomplished. You wish you could be LIKE them...as smart and independent. Sometimes you just wish you had been there for them so that MAYBE tragedy wouldn't have had to claim them.
When someone close to you commits suicide, it's hard enough dealing with the emotional distress of losing them...much less dealing with the thoughts and concerns about what they must have been going through to bring them to it. All you can do is cry and wonder about what was so bad about life to make them do it. Then you cry some more. It's something I'll never understand...and I know that...I just wish I had known how much pain he was in. Maybe I could have helped...even if I was just a voice on the phone.
How does someone who is three months away from completing his DOCTORATE in BIOCHEMISTRY go from being so bright and vibrant to taking his own life in the chem lab of Texas A&M, the school he loved so much? Why does someone who is literally a genius just forgo a job offer in JAPAN to take his life in such a way? Why? I just want to know. I wish he were here. I wish I could hug him. I wish...and I pray. I pray for him. I pray for his parents and his sister. I pray for his niece and nephew. I pray for our family. I pray for understanding. I pray for God to forgive him. I just pray. With all my might, I pray.
As silly as it may seem, all I can see in my minds eye right now is all those times we played at my grandma's house and my house. I see us riding bikes around here. I see him as the person I wanted to be so badly.
I don't see him as the pathetic person that I know the detectives at Texas A&M see him as. I don't see him as he portrayed himself in the suicide note. I just see HIM.
God, please...help us all to understand and get through this with as much dignity and grace as possible.
Now, since I've made no sense...here's the story from the news in College Station, TX:
Aggie Grad Student Found Dead
Steve Fullhart
A Texas A&M graduate student was found dead Monday morning in the chemistry building.
The body of 27-year-old Mervin J. Bazile Jr. was found in one of the third-floor labs seated at a desk with a note on the table in front of him. University Police would only confirm the note appeared to be written by Bazile, but would not elaborate on the contents of the note.
Bazile's family has been notified, and his body has been sent to Conroe for an autopsy. Officials on the scene estimate the body could have been in the room since Sunday night.
UPD was there for four hours Monday morning examining the scene. No classes or schoolwork was disrupted as a result, and use of the building is back to normal as of early Monday afternoon. The facilities in which Bazile's body was found are used by graduate students, but weren't scheduled to be used until later in the day.
Bazile lived in Bryan and was originally from Louisiana. He was a graduate student in the chemistry department.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
MY GATORS WON LAST NIGHT! I knew Tebow wouldn't let us down! ;) Of course, now all the LSU fans are all quiet. lol
Busy week ahead. Well, not until Thursday, really...but still. Thursday night I'm taking Heth shopping for a pair of boots and a jacket for the Dane Cook show Saturday. That will finish up her birthday presents from me. I also have to go to Bath and Body Works to pick up the department gifts for Boss' Day. Then, Friday after work we have to do all the running we usually do on Saturday...so groceries, etc... Saturday we're going to relax most of the day and then have a late lunch for Heth's birthday before coming home to get prettied up to go downtown. I think we'll get down there early and visit a honky tonk or two...I wanna go to Tootsie's Orchid Lounge and have an Electric Lemonade. Gyeah! After that, DANE COOK AT THE SOMMET CENTER! We've wanted to see him live since probably 2001. Eight years later, we get to. lol Sunday, I have to make Heth's cake for work and get all her stuff together. One of her presents goes to work...the others, she can open at midnight. :)
Wow, my iTunes randomization is lovin on me again. Everytime I think of a certain someone, "Just Friends" by Jonas Brothers comes on. Encouraging. That's what that is. ;)
We bought Heth's parents Christmas present yesterday. Yes, I know it's October...they get it early. lol They're gonna be SUPER excited...we hope. lol
I'm off to clean the house...fun, right? Ugh.
Busy week ahead. Well, not until Thursday, really...but still. Thursday night I'm taking Heth shopping for a pair of boots and a jacket for the Dane Cook show Saturday. That will finish up her birthday presents from me. I also have to go to Bath and Body Works to pick up the department gifts for Boss' Day. Then, Friday after work we have to do all the running we usually do on Saturday...so groceries, etc... Saturday we're going to relax most of the day and then have a late lunch for Heth's birthday before coming home to get prettied up to go downtown. I think we'll get down there early and visit a honky tonk or two...I wanna go to Tootsie's Orchid Lounge and have an Electric Lemonade. Gyeah! After that, DANE COOK AT THE SOMMET CENTER! We've wanted to see him live since probably 2001. Eight years later, we get to. lol Sunday, I have to make Heth's cake for work and get all her stuff together. One of her presents goes to work...the others, she can open at midnight. :)
Wow, my iTunes randomization is lovin on me again. Everytime I think of a certain someone, "Just Friends" by Jonas Brothers comes on. Encouraging. That's what that is. ;)
We bought Heth's parents Christmas present yesterday. Yes, I know it's October...they get it early. lol They're gonna be SUPER excited...we hope. lol
I'm off to clean the house...fun, right? Ugh.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
weekend update
Funny, the title of this post used to be my FAVORITE skit on SNL. Used to. Now, SNL is lame and skewed...and irritates me.
Got a lot done this weekend. Heather's birthday shopping is done...thank GOODNESS.
I got one of MY birthday presents yesterday. :) I know, it's OVER a month early. Bite me. This is him:
Isn't he the MOST adorable thing EVER? His name is Nick J. And he's sitting beside me on the floor in his little Build A Bear condo. *squeal* And again, YES...I AM 30. lol
My Gators didn't play this weekend...actually, that's a blessing in disguise since we need Tebow to recover from his concussion for the LSU game next week.
Blue Bombers WON AGAIN?! WHAAAAT?! SO happy. I did a little happy dance in the living room Friday night when the game officially ended. Then the dog attacked me and my good time was over. Boo. :( Regardless, SO happy to see the Bombers win two in a row. Maybe this will spike their confidence for the rest of the season....here's hoping!
Cowboys play today at 3. Nervous about that. So long as Tony Romo comes out and has what Heth and I call the "Tony Smile"...we should be good. The other option is when he comes out and looks like a damn deer caught in headlights. Obviously, not so good. lol If we can get it together and play like the team we ARE...we'll do fine. If we keep making half idiotic mistakes...we're done for. I think we get Marion Barber back today...so hopefully, that will help a LOT.
I've been missing my Mom a lot. I mean, we talk on the phone every day...but sometimes, it's better to see her in person.
I had a long talk with a patient this week (45 minutes...and our calls are generally only about 10 minutes)...she's going through the same situation my Mom and I did with Dad. It was SO cathartic talking to her. She told me that while I will occasionally feel guilt about walking away from the situation with my Dad, that it's what's best and that you have to walk away from that kind of abuse. She said my call helped her and that she had been praying for God to let her know everything would be okay...and that I did that. I felt good after that. Like helping her, helped me. Of course, I'll probably get in trouble for that call in my review because HEAVEN forbid we take time to talk to a patient. Whatever.
I planned the coolest Christmas present EVER for someone...now I just gotta hope it pans out. If it does...that person is going to be SO surprised. And that will make me insanely happy. :)
Must go...I gotta dig up something to eat since I haven't had anything since dinner...which I ate at like 6pm yesterday. lol
Got a lot done this weekend. Heather's birthday shopping is done...thank GOODNESS.
I got one of MY birthday presents yesterday. :) I know, it's OVER a month early. Bite me. This is him:
Isn't he the MOST adorable thing EVER? His name is Nick J. And he's sitting beside me on the floor in his little Build A Bear condo. *squeal* And again, YES...I AM 30. lol
My Gators didn't play this weekend...actually, that's a blessing in disguise since we need Tebow to recover from his concussion for the LSU game next week.
Blue Bombers WON AGAIN?! WHAAAAT?! SO happy. I did a little happy dance in the living room Friday night when the game officially ended. Then the dog attacked me and my good time was over. Boo. :( Regardless, SO happy to see the Bombers win two in a row. Maybe this will spike their confidence for the rest of the season....here's hoping!
Cowboys play today at 3. Nervous about that. So long as Tony Romo comes out and has what Heth and I call the "Tony Smile"...we should be good. The other option is when he comes out and looks like a damn deer caught in headlights. Obviously, not so good. lol If we can get it together and play like the team we ARE...we'll do fine. If we keep making half idiotic mistakes...we're done for. I think we get Marion Barber back today...so hopefully, that will help a LOT.
I've been missing my Mom a lot. I mean, we talk on the phone every day...but sometimes, it's better to see her in person.
I had a long talk with a patient this week (45 minutes...and our calls are generally only about 10 minutes)...she's going through the same situation my Mom and I did with Dad. It was SO cathartic talking to her. She told me that while I will occasionally feel guilt about walking away from the situation with my Dad, that it's what's best and that you have to walk away from that kind of abuse. She said my call helped her and that she had been praying for God to let her know everything would be okay...and that I did that. I felt good after that. Like helping her, helped me. Of course, I'll probably get in trouble for that call in my review because HEAVEN forbid we take time to talk to a patient. Whatever.
I planned the coolest Christmas present EVER for someone...now I just gotta hope it pans out. If it does...that person is going to be SO surprised. And that will make me insanely happy. :)
Must go...I gotta dig up something to eat since I haven't had anything since dinner...which I ate at like 6pm yesterday. lol
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Let the games begin ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight at midnight, I transform from the normally sweet person I am into the biggest bitch known to man. It's time to fight fire with fire and play JUST as dirty as everybody else.
Interesting...I've always wanted to be a "bad girl". Guess it's time to try that persona on.
Strangely, it's exciting.
Tonight at midnight, I transform from the normally sweet person I am into the biggest bitch known to man. It's time to fight fire with fire and play JUST as dirty as everybody else.
Interesting...I've always wanted to be a "bad girl". Guess it's time to try that persona on.
Strangely, it's exciting.
Update.
Surprisingly good time at lunch today.
Most of the time, none of us get along in this place...
Today, we did. And we laughed...a lot.
It was almost...pleasant.
Odd. Hmmm.
In other news:
I'm finding that the "icky-ness" from work is bleeding over into other things. Like, I'm doubting things/people that I shouldn't and have no reason to. It's a bit disturbing, to be honest.
The problem with EVERYTHING in my life right now is that I'm far too impatient. And it's starting to reflect. Grrr.
Most of the time, none of us get along in this place...
Today, we did. And we laughed...a lot.
It was almost...pleasant.
Odd. Hmmm.
In other news:
I'm finding that the "icky-ness" from work is bleeding over into other things. Like, I'm doubting things/people that I shouldn't and have no reason to. It's a bit disturbing, to be honest.
The problem with EVERYTHING in my life right now is that I'm far too impatient. And it's starting to reflect. Grrr.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Thank you, Miranda Lambert for feeling me deeply...
Virginia Bluebell
Miranda Lambert / Natalie Hemby / Jennifer Kennard
Carrying the weight on the end of a limb
You’re just waiting for somebody to pick you up again
Shaded by a tree, can’t live up to a rose
All you ever wanted was a sunny place to grow
Pretty little thing, sometimes you gotta look up
And let the world see all the beauty that you’re made of
‘Cause the way you hang your head nobody can tell
You’re my Virginia Bluebell
My Virginia Bluebell
Even through a stone a flower can bloom
You just need a little push, Spring is coming soon
Umbrella in the rain, let it roll off your back
Weather what you can, realize what you have
Pretty little thing, sometimes you gotta look up
And let the world see all the beauty that you’re made of
‘Cause the way you hang your head nobody can tell
You’re my Virginia Bluebell
My Virginia Bluebell
Put a little light in the darkest places
Put a little smile on the saddest faces
Pretty little thing, sometimes you gotta look up
And let the world see all the beauty that you’re made of
‘Cause the way you hang your head nobody can tell
You’re my Virginia Bluebell
My Virginia Bluebell
Miranda Lambert / Natalie Hemby / Jennifer Kennard
Carrying the weight on the end of a limb
You’re just waiting for somebody to pick you up again
Shaded by a tree, can’t live up to a rose
All you ever wanted was a sunny place to grow
Pretty little thing, sometimes you gotta look up
And let the world see all the beauty that you’re made of
‘Cause the way you hang your head nobody can tell
You’re my Virginia Bluebell
My Virginia Bluebell
Even through a stone a flower can bloom
You just need a little push, Spring is coming soon
Umbrella in the rain, let it roll off your back
Weather what you can, realize what you have
Pretty little thing, sometimes you gotta look up
And let the world see all the beauty that you’re made of
‘Cause the way you hang your head nobody can tell
You’re my Virginia Bluebell
My Virginia Bluebell
Put a little light in the darkest places
Put a little smile on the saddest faces
Pretty little thing, sometimes you gotta look up
And let the world see all the beauty that you’re made of
‘Cause the way you hang your head nobody can tell
You’re my Virginia Bluebell
My Virginia Bluebell
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